As parents, we aspire to give our children the tools necessary to become independent adults, fuel their lofty ambitions and set the stage for success. However, we often find ourselves at a crossroads when navigating the college process. Our involvement can either be a guiding light during this critical period or hinder their independence.

Leveraging my personal experiences as a mother and former admissions officer, my goal is to provide clear insights on achieving the delicate equilibrium between offering support and fostering autonomy during your child’s college application process.

Related: What the Ivy League is Looking For in the Next Generation of Entrepreneurs

The helicopter parent’s dilemma: Knowing when to let go

Reflecting on myself, my partner jokingly called me “the original helicopter parent.” I grappled with knowing when to step back and allow my children to make their own decisions. In my daughter’s case, my excessive involvement in her academics prompted her to take charge of her college admissions, seeking my assistance only when absolutely necessary. Conversely, my son welcomed my heavy involvement, contributing to his eventual struggle for independence.

Parents play an integral role in nurturing independence while offering support with significant decisions. Recognizing when to step back and when to intervene is key. Although determining this balance is not straightforward, the first step is to heed your child’s cues and refrain from viewing them merely as extensions of yourself. They are autonomous individuals transitioning into adulthood, requiring agency and self-confidence to thrive in the daunting world they are entering.

This transformation involves fostering a sense of self that empowers them to navigate the challenges that lie ahead. Projecting our desires onto them can impede their potential. As such, you must recognize the threshold between support and intrusion. Your desires should complement, not overshadow, your child’s aspirations. It’s important to remind yourself: this is my child’s journey. I’ve had my chance, and now it’s time to relinquish control.

Related: How Can a Working Mother Be Successful These Days? 6 Strategies for Success as an Entrepreneur and Parent

Two approaches to parental involvement

Fortunately, parents don’t have to handle college decisions alone. Involving admissions consultants can alleviate some of the stress.

These professionals can act as valuable resources, guiding your child through the admissions process and offering insights on how to align their profiles with their top programs. However, this doesn’t negate the need for your involvement. Striking the right balance entails active interest without becoming overbearing. To profile this balancing act, let’s explore two case studies of students I coached, each showcasing unique parental involvement styles.

The domineering director

Consider the case of Student X, who required my help applying to graduate programs. Despite the student’s attempts to assert her preferences and apply to programs that better matched her profile, her well-meaning but overbearing mother pressured her to apply only to highly competitive programs. It’s true that with a low GPA and lack of organizational skills, this student needed assistance.

However, she was never given a chance to take control of the process under the auspices of an admissions professional. The application journey unfolded under constant scrutiny, with the mother’s intrusive involvement invading every part of the process. This was especially evident during the personal essay and brainstorming portion, which caused considerable stress for Student X.

While successful in terms of admission to a distant graduate program, the outcome revealed the consequences of overpowering parental support. The lack of trust in the student’s abilities hindered her quest for personal accountability, creating insecurity and starting her transition to adulthood with the belief that she had no agency over her own life decisions. This student’s college application process was extremely stressful for everyone involved.

The supportive spectator

On the other hand, Student Y had a unique family dynamic where the father took on the role of “director from a distance” for both his children. He recognized that he needed help since he was not a college graduate. Our discussions revolved around his children’s contrasting college preferences — one was inclined toward a nearby public university, while the other targeted Ivy League institutions, with a few less competitive colleges as backups.

Student Y exhibited a sophisticated writing style and managed her application process with occasional oversight. The father, respectful of our privacy and time, checked in periodically. If he sensed her struggling, he sought my opinion on her mind. This collaboration worked seamlessly: the student took ownership and sought assistance from both her father and the family’s openness about finances, eliminating cost-driven, divisive discussions.

Working with this family, I saw the foundation of open communication and trust established long before the application process. This enabled the family to step back when necessary, allowing the student to lead without defying the right amount of help from the parents. This case underscores the significance of a balanced and positive participation that empowers students.

Related: 3 Personal Statement Examples for College Admissions

With this in mind, parents must understand that their emotional support will be paramount during the college admissions process. Your role as a parent should go beyond help and advice with the application. Your child is embarking on a new chapter, facing doubt, uncertainty, and, very possibly, rejections from their dream schools. Drawing on your wisdom as a parent and possibly a prior applicant, acknowledge these real feelings while allowing your children the space to take action. Avoid coddling or shielding; instead, practice active listening, letting them know that overcoming challenges is part of the journey!

As parents, we tend to lead. However, assuming the follower role allows our children to “own” the process. This involves adopting more of a supportive spectator role, only offering guidance when asked or when mistakes may jeopardize your child’s dreams (not yours).

By adopting a collaborative approach — treating the college application process as a partnership between parent, child, and the admissions counselor — we ensure that our children step into adulthood with confidence, resilience, and ownership of their path to the future.